When all you need to do is vent.

After not having really made a real blog post (the course reviews doesn't really count) for pretty much a year, after yesterday's events, I feel the need to vent. I never expect anyone reads these things, so this vent is for myself mostly. Of course it's on the internet, you may go ahead and read it and if you'd like, share your thoughts. I'd probably appreciate it.
I'm going to be honest and say that I am absolutely fucking sick of guys. Yes, I swore. I don't give a fuck at this point. I am sort of at end with this.
To give a bit of a background story, I can't say that I've really been into a guy for a while now. Suffering from my own anxiety disorder and past personal problems, I've finally reached a more pleasant place and accepting of myself. Liking guys is a hassle to me; it brings back feelings I can't really handle and don't want to handle either. It puts me in an emotional spot that sort of triggers a bit of a downfall for me and it isn't fun.
I'd say it's been about 3 years since I last had a crush on a guy and I actually tried to do something about it. Is it really surprising it went downhill? Not really. That is the story of my love life. I think it's the fact that I overanalyze everything. and I mean EVERYTHING. So I guess I do blame myself for this situation. I blame myself for wanting to believe there was something more when my gut told me there was nothing. I just thought maybe this was my turn. Guessed wrong, huh?
I guess I just wanted to believe it was my chance at happiness. So I read everything as more than it was. He's also confusing as fuck and kind of bipolar. One minute, he's flirty, and the next, you don't say a word to me. Or you tell your friends I'm awesome, but then don't bother to interact with me at all.
I also slightly blame my friends. They pushed me into going last night since i'd always be thinking "what if" if I didn't (trust me, I wouldn't, I almost knew how last night would play out). Also, they kept hinting that he could be into me. I guess that comes back to me actually believing it as well. 

Last night was hell for me. I guess I don't directly blame him (at the same time, I do believe he's a confusing ass) but it just opened up something that I haven't really dealt with in a long time. Yeah, it's never pleasant to watch the guy you're kind of into make out with another girl. but I guess that's not what hurt. First, the fact that it seemed like he was avoiding me brings up really big insecurities for me. I can't really discuss it, but it's a huge emotional tension I have had since early high school. I can't deal with it at all. Second, you invited me to this stupid frat party and did your stupid little flirty shoulder squeeze at the beginning of the night, why are you ignoring me by the end of it?
I guess it doesn't bother me that it was him that did this. It's more of what all of this brings up, if that makes any sense.
It brings me back to that bad place, to that place where my emotions get the best of me and all those feelings of anxiety slowly surface again and I struggle with myself. I worked really hard to move past that. I guess I'll have to start again.

Okay, I think I'm done my little ramble.